Love Letters

As summer winds down, I’ve been trying to cram more and more into the remaining weeks of sunshine–hence the dearth of posts lately. Much of that time has been lovely: canoeing and picnicking at a local lake one Saturday, running trails on Sundays, spending lazy afternoons with friends while our kids splash in a pool. 

Today, however, I’m nursing multiple blisters on my feet, my calves are tighter than I remember them ever being, I’ve been doing laundry nonstop, and I’m itchy. But I’m also feeling the warm fuzzies for my husband.

I’ll explain, but first, a confession: I forgot my anniversary this year. I’m not the only bum, though. My husband forgot it too. In fact, neither one of us realized it was our anniversary until about 6:00 that evening. I’d already started dinner, so we didn’t even salvage it with a nice dinner out. We refused to accept that as our anniversary, so we postponed the official celebration until August.

We decided to celebrate 11 years of marriage with a backpacking trip. Originally we planned to hike into the area where we spent part of our honeymoon and stay there for three or four days. In a fit of extreme self-confidence, however, I suggested we do a 40-mile hike on the Pacific Crest Trail. Thanks to a lousy weather forecast, that turned into a 46-mile hike around the base of three nearby mountains.

Which brings me to the title of this post. We’re back today after cutting our trip short. It started out well enough. We hiked 9 miles in to a small lake at about 6,000 feet in altitude. The only mosquitoes we encountered on the way in were at a stream we crossed, which I figured was understandable. The last mile of the hike would have been straight up if we hadn’t had about a hundred switchbacks, and by the time I got to the top of the ridge looking down at the lake, I thought I might actually keel over. Did I mention I’m not great at packing light, and I was hauling a 42-pound pack on my back?

Anyway, we had a nice bath in the lake (thank you Dr. Bronner’s biodegradable soap!), a tasty dinner and a cozy night’s sleep in our little tent, preceded by some good conversation and a few rounds of Texas Hold ‘Em played with bets of imaginary money. Then a storm literally rolled right over us at 4 a.m. We heard it coming up the ridge, then suddenly our tent was shaking so hard I thought the rain fly might rip.

By 7:00 a.m. we were cold, there was a drizzle, and we had two options: Stay on the west side of the mountain and keep pushing south in spite of the weather, or head back out the way we came, which would take us back to the eastern side of the mountains and offer shelter from the storm but would mean going home, because otherwise we’d have to hike about 20 miles to get to another lake on the eastern side. Eyeing the darkening clouds, we decided to pack it in.

We had a surprise waiting for us on the way back down the ridge. The mosquitoes came out to play! There were so many of them I couldn’t even stop to put on bug juice, so I just started hiking as fast as I could for the first two miles. I tried putting on my mosquito net hat, but I kept getting mosquitoes in it with me.

Suffice to say, we had a lot of bugs on the way out. We finally stopped and slathered on the DEET as fast as we could, which helped quite a bit, before pushing on.

After another mile or so, I noticed my feet were really hurting, but I was still convinced I’d be carried off by mosquitoes if I stopped. After another three miles, I knew I was getting blisters. Three miles later, my feet were a mess and we were headed back into town for an anniversary dinner of burgers, fries and soda. (It’s not fancy, but it sure tastes good after a long, hot hike.) We slept like logs in our own comfy bed last night.

Today I’m limping around the house. Considering the way it turned out, do I think we should have done something else to celebrate our anniversary? Nope. These are the experiences that bond us. We’ll remember this anniversary much longer than we would have remembered a night at a hotel and a fancy dinner out. Our time together was completely uninterrupted (well, except by the mosquitoes).

We continue to laugh about our bad luck and our creaky bodies. It wasn’t what we thought our anniversary trip would be, but it was a real experience. And are love and marriage ever how we think they’ll be? They’re often harder, more painful–and ultimately more real and more meaningful than anything we had imagined. So I’ll take the blisters and the bugs and the blustering storm, and I’ll cherish the imperfect, loving life we build together out of these experiences.

Let me just say right up front: I’m not a good sick person. I know men are usually the ones said to be big ol’ babies about being sick, but in our marriage it’s the other way around. Or maybe it’s more like we’re both big ol’ babies.

So late last week I came down with some creeping crud. It’s either dengue fever or swine flu. OK, there’s an outside chance it’s a summer cold. The point is, I’ve been feeling rotten.

But thanks to my husband, I haven’t felt as miserable as I might have. He works full-time, and right now they’re so busy he can’t take time off. Still, he does everything he can to help me feel better. He brought home 7-Up and crackers. He went to the store to get everything we needed to have home-made chicken-noodle soup for dinner (our family’s sure-fire cold cure). He snuggles me at night when I’m trying desperately to fall asleep in spite of the freight train sitting on my forehead. He calls in the middle of the day to see how I’m feeling.

None of those things are huge, but together they demonstrate love. They’re the things we do for each other when we’re sick. And it’s comforting to know we have each other to lean on in times of illness, because who knows what the future holds for our health? We’ve each watched our parents struggle with cancer and diabetes and related ailments. We take care of ourselves by eating well and exercising, but we know at some point we’ll both be tossing the dice in our own genetic crapshoots.

I guess what I’m getting at is this: “in sickness and in health” is more than just part of the wedding ceremony. It’s a real part of marriage, the day-in and day-out work of loving someone throughout life. Sometimes we (collective we) get lucky and we get to whine about stuffy noses and pounding heads. Sometimes we end up with something much more serious that requires all our attention. And in either case, if we’re really committed to our spouses and our marriages, we do what it takes to get through with patience, humor, and real demonstrations of love and caring.

So here’s the challenge: Next time your spouse is sick, resist the temptation to roll your eyes while he’s croaking out how awful he feels. Take the time to care for him. Make the soup, fluff the pillows, bring the ice water or whatever it is that helps. That’s love. That’s the day-to-day work of making a marriage last.

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Cures-what-ails-ya Chicken Soup from The Romance Place

1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 sweet onion, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
3 carrots, sliced or chopped into small bits
4 stalks celery, sliced
3/4 lb. boneless, skinless chicken breast, cubed into bite-sized pieces
62 ounces organic chicken broth
32 ounces organic vegetable broth
1/2 cup red wine (optional, but it really adds something)
1 tsp. dried dill
1 bay leaf
1 tsp. salt (less if you’re watching sodium)
1/4 tsp. black pepper
1 dash cayenne pepper
1/8 to 1/4 tsp. Italian seasoning
12 to 16 oz. egg noodles (more if you like a thicker soup, less if you like more broth)
2 Tbsp. minced fresh parsley
Juice of 1 lemon
* * * * * * * * * *

Heat oil in a large pot over medium heat. Add onion, garlic, carrot and celery; saute’ five minutes. Add chicken. Heat until vegetables begin to be tender and chicken is no longer pink on the outside, stirring as needed to keep anything from sticking.

Add wine, broth, dill, bay leaf, salt, peppers and Italian seasoning; bring to a boil. When soup hits a rolling boil, add noodles and reduce the heat to medium or just under medium. Simmer until noodles and vegetables are tender, about 15 minutes. (You can simmer longer if you like your veggies really soft.)

Reduce heat to low and add parsley; simmer three minutes longer. Add lemon juice a little at a time, until soup has a nice hint of lemon (or more, if you like more lemony taste).

Serves 4 super generous low-fat portions, carbs and protein are pretty balanced, and it really does seem to help with colds!

We’re excited to announce our participation in the Babeland product review program! Soon we’ll be posting our first-hand reviews of sex toys and related products from Babeland, a women-friendly place to buy sex toys. We’ll include feedback from both the husband’s and wife’s perspective and let you know what to expect from each product we review. And as with all the other pages at The Romance Place, you can trust us to keep it tasteful. Watch this page, and come back frequently to see our latest reviews.

Just a quick post to let Love Letters readers know The Romance Place is now on Squidoo. Check out our first lens and let us know what you think!

My mother- and father-in-law just left after staying with us for the Fourth of July weekend. We had fun.

That’s significant, because my mother-in-law and I have always had a bit of an adversarial relationship. She’s the kind of mom who can’t let go, and I’m the kind of wife who doesn’t want anyone’s opinions on how I should be ironing my clothes better, how Splenda isn’t harmful to my kid, how I shouldn’t be letting my husband ride a motorcycle, or how many Weight Watchers points are in an ice cube.

OK, I’m getting off track. Perhaps I have a little bit of left-over hostility, but I promise I’m working on it. Which brings me (finally) to the point of this post.

For the two years we dated and the first eight or ten years of our marriage, being around my in-laws nearly drove me to drink. My mother-in-law has extremely strong opinions, and she’s not afraid to share them. I had never met anyone like her, and we were constantly butting heads. We’re both stubborn and don’t want to be told how to think by anyone, especially not each other.

Things mellowed out considerably after our daughter was born. My mother-in-law came to be respectful of my parenting choices, even when they differed wildly from what she would have done thirty years ago. I came to see what a loving, giving person she really is and how fiercely loyal she is to her family. And I came to understand that she is who she is. She’s not going to change. And she is the woman who raised my husband to be the wonderful (OK, mostly wonderful) man he is.

Still, it has taken another eight years or so for us to really become comfortable and companionable around each other. Is our relationship perfect? Of course not, but every relationship has its challenges. Once I quit being self-righteous, stubborn and critical of her every word, things changed for the better. Turns out she wasn’t 100% of the problem, no matter how much I once wanted her to be.

So this weekend, while we were planning the next day’s activities, I noticed my husband being, um . . . darn near perfect. He offered to do the after-dinner clean-up. He gave me a loving back rub. He did a few other lovely things, too, and unfortunately I’m just now blogging about it and I’ve forgotten exactly what it was that so impressed me. But the point was, I noticed him being more tender than usual and going out of his way to be helpful to me. I got suspicious.

“Why are you being so nice?” I asked, giving him the stink-eye. 

“I’m just happy you’re being so good to my parents,” he answered.

Well, knock me over with a feather. So not only was I enjoying our visit with my in-laws, and not only were they more relaxed and laughing more than they used to during our get-togethers, but my husband was happier, too. And he had noticed my change in attitude. And he appreciated it. And he SHOWED that appreciation.

The lesson I took from the events of the weekend was this: Your in-laws may drive you crazy. They may drive your husband crazy. But in the end, they’re his parents. He loves them. And if you can make the effort to get out of your own way and reach across the gulf between them and you, he will very likely feel more loved and supported by you. That can only make your marriage better—and you might just surprise yourself by feeling genuine love for and from your in-laws.

Close your eyes. Picture yourself with your partner. You’re alone together, moving faster, pumping harder, dripping sweat . . . hold on, we’re not talking about sex. Not right now, anyway.

We’re talking about fitness. When was the last time you and your spouse or significant other worked out together? Have you ever worked out together? And are you wondering what hitting the gym (or pumping iron or pounding the pavement) has to do with romance?

Actually, working out and getting (or staying) fit as a couple can be a powerful aphrodisiac. Watching your partner’s muscles work, seeing his or her body becoming stronger, spending that time working together toward a common goal–all those things can spark desire and admiration: in other words, romance. 

If your fitness routine fell by the wayside long ago, working out together can be even more satisfying. As your bodies become stronger and you see the outward changes fitness brings, you begin to feel more confident. More attractive. Sexy. And when your body image improves and your confidence grows, you’ll be much more likely to initiate romance–or to respond enthusiastically when your partner does.

Perhaps you’ve both been working out for years. Have you ever trained for a common goal, such as a race or triathlon? Working together to achieve your goal, whether that goal is to run a sub-3:00 marathon or to finish a 5-K, will give you the feeling of being a team. Bonus: on race day, after you’ve accomplished what you set out to do, you’ll both be feeling like celebrating. What better way to celebrate your achievement as a couple than getting romantic?

So go ahead. Get hot and breathless with your partner in the gym, on the court, out on the roads or trails–wherever you love to work out. Odds are, it will lead to getting hot and breathless in the bedroom, as well.

Thank you for visiting Love Letters, the official blog of The Romance Place! Our dot-com is still under development, but in the meantime, you should find plenty of information, tips and ideas right here for making your relationship more romantic.

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So welcome. Whether your relationship could use more sweetness or spice (or both), you’ve come to the right place–The Romance Place.